Roads I have Run

12.25.06

Christmas morning doesn't so much dawn as fizzle in on those little foggy cat feet we read about. More grey skies and wet streets welcome my pounding feet as I take my jog through what feels like barren land although it is highly developed. They have cut down all the trees to put in this housing complex and then they plant little saplings in front of each lot, like whisps of hair on bald pates. It is quiet as I run, no people, no cars, not even a stray dog and it feels like there is no life around me. I wonder why this is as I run by house after house, all looking the same. And I think of the roads I have run over the years, not many as I'm not avid at this sport, but I am taken back to Vermont, to Virginia, to Mexico to streets where I felt humanity around me as I trotted along. As my lungs fill with humid air and I feel my thighs pumping in a new way, I feel centered and grateful that I have this vehicle that houses me so well. When my mind becomes a battleground of competing desires, worries, hopes and fears I am grounded in this animal place that I can find any time.

Poor grandma, at 88, does not have that privilege any more. Her body is frail; this morning after her fall two days ago she doesn't have the energy to drive back to the rest of her family. Her face is etched with anxiety and pain and I feel so sorry that she is loosing control over the one thing we value so much: indepdendence. She has to rely on her children now and may even have to leave her apartment for a higher level of assisted living. I hope when I'm at that age I have my strength, if not of body of character to carry me through.

The kids will wake soon and their excitement will follows us on the 3 hour drive. I have put the kibosh on major expectations for presents this year, tryingi to center us all on experiences instead. Hanah's been spending hours making clay presents and Noah has just reveled in the skateboard park, so I feel our "vacation" has been a success for them. I have managed to find moments in each day to connect to my thoughts, my energies, my loved ones and those moments are my happiness.

As I run, I think mostly of people and where we all are in our lives, how we interweave in our dreams, our talks, our connections, sharing this tapesty of life we attempt to weave together. Sometimes we pull out threads and disrupt the pattern. Sometimes we rip the cloth and cannot repari it. And sometimes we find a wonderful new skein of yarn, or a new color, a different texture and dare to create something distinct, unique and marvelous. Perhaps we keep pieces of the old cloth around, or interweave it into the new, or perhaps we toss it out completely to start fresh again. The world is a huge heap of tossed fabric, re-cycled weaves and tattered clothes. May we all find something warm, someting wondrous, something that fits to wrap around our weary shoulders and hold our hearts on this day and onward.