Leaving Libido Land

8.25.06

Two discoveries at work today got me to thinking about what we know about our sexuality, or think we know. A request for a counselor to talk to mentally impaired adult males about sexuality, brought up the fact that some of them need to learn how to masturbate. This surprised me as I would think something like that would come naturally either through self discovery or learning. Seems that's not necessarily so. In my search for more information on this subject I came across a Conference on Sexual Fantasies vs. Realities: Implications for Research and Practice! (punctuation mark not mine!) being offered in, of all appropriate places, Las Vegas this fall. It is sponsored by the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality, very austere and academic sounding, and offers CEU's for therapists, sex educators and the like. I don't know, maybe some of our leaders should go check it out; look into what they keep sublimating with all this missile waving they're obsessed with. Maybe we should all go check it out and get to know ourselves better. Becaues, despite all this sex we bandy about in the media and arts, I still think we're pretty repressed. It all just seems to leak out of our social seams, in the form of STD's, DV, unwanted pregnancies, over-indulging in other sensual substitutes and a general dis-connect with these marvelous bodies we have.

So, I got to thinking about sexual instincts and desires and the thoughts that surround them from shame, guilt, pleasure and fantasy to the base logistics of how to put hand, mouth, sex toy or suggestive wordplay here or there and have a go. Some of us seem to learn masturbation naturally on our own, others read or hear about it and then figure it out. But what must it be like to have those urges and not know there's a way to satisfy them, due to cognitive impairment? What must it be like, also, to have those urges and know them, but be unable to actualize them due to illness, injury, shame or lack of opportunity? I learned that some mentally challenged patients get caught in inappropriate places as they seek privacy to pleasure themselves. We know millions of people access porn and erotica for their own devices and millions other deny urges, sublimating them into food, art, exercize, depression, abuse or other distractions.

Watching children grow up, it's hard to escape their inherent sensuality. Some are more aware of their genitals as sources of pleasure and access them more readily. Others seem to have no conscious idea, just pull at their penises absent-mindedly or rub themelves on jungle gym poles not knowing why. At some point, we all learn what's down there and what you can do with it. What's interesting to me, is when we lose touch with our sexuality, those of us do, and why. Some, of course are shamed out of it early on, others shame themselves in response to broken hearts or unmet needs. And some of us go on to revel in our god-given bodies, without doubt and shame, and others just couldn't give two squats about sex (although I would venture to say, those needs/desires were there at one point and somehow got squashed).

When I look around at how obsessed this culture is with a certain version of sexuality, that is, the young, firm bodies gyrating in the quest of orgiastic union, I marvel at the concurrent guilt and shame around the very idea of enjoying sex unless it's within a sanctioned coupling of some sort, preferably over the age of 18 and under the age of reading glasses. When and where along our civilization process did we decide it served our species being better to deny than celebrate libido, those "instinctual energies and desires derived from the id?" which include, but are not limited to sex.

Why are we surrounded by so much sexual imagery and suggestivtivity, yet need to buy how-to videos, attend tantric workshops, go through years of therapy to learn how to revel in this natural side of ourselves? When did this all get cut off? Was it with Christianity and the useful purpose that guilt fulfills in governance? Was it with the discovery that sexual exploration leads to disease or absent fathers, which doesn't help protect our progeny? Was it merely Madison Avenue's insiduous fashion of making us feel all so unworthy so that we'll buy the next over-priced and unecessary boob job, erectile tab, race car or fuschia colored lipstick? Mother Nature's way of curbing population growth (sorry, that one hasn't worked.)?

When our children leave Libido Land and cover themselves in shame or modesty, when they stop holding their parents hands and hugs and when kisses turn into "aw, Mom, that's gross" must they also lose this wonderful body/fantasy connection that we seem born with? If we could all communicate our fantasies, or deepest dreams, honestly, would we need porno/ fantasy workshops/ 900 call lines? Probably. Our minds are so vast and can stretch as wide as the ocean if allowed, and we seem to enjoy the new after a while. I just wonder how many of us get the chance to go those place we dream about, sexually and otherwise, if we don't have permission or safety or opportunity. We seem so hungry for something in this nation, in this time, and when food is so readily available, I wonder if that sensual experience isn't the substitute for so many unmet dreams and desires and un-done deeds.

I've read that if you and your loved ones feed each other a meal, both will eat less. There is something in the sharing of that sensual moment of meeting a base need that seems to make up for sheer quantity. If McDonalds started offering massages instead of milk-shakes, I think we'd see a lot more waists and lot fewer wasted passions.