Condoms & Crisco
1/27/06
The ladies always laugh when I can't get the condom off of Dick. No matter how hard I stretch and pull, it always looks like I"m trying to yanka rain boot off a recalcitrant toddler. It really looks silly as I tug the rubber to beyond believable lengths, Dick holding on for dear life. But I'm a professional so we know I'll eventually get the dang thing off with a twang. And I do. Fortunately Dick is only my plastic dildo that I use to demonstrate correct condom use,k not the detumescing penis of a compliant boyfriend. No, Dick is my trusty, flesh colored 7 inch anotomically correct, male member, complete with viewing stand and a non threatening look. I bring him out about half way through my health talks, when I sense my audience slumping in their seats, tired of hearing about the perils of high cholesterol, low fiber intake and paltry levels of physical activity. As part of an otherwise standard talk about nutrition, chronic disease, health and disease prevention, I must sneak in a few minutes on family planning and sexually transmitted diseases to satisfy federal grant requirements to education the community about contraceptive choices and reproductiv health. I love my job; where else but as a Health Educator for a non-profit, private family practice clinic can I hand out carrots and condoms with a clear conscience and a smile?
Today, I'm visiting a battered women's shelter with my demo box of nasty junk foods and sugar drinks, the plastic case of contraceptives and a baggie of sugar and can of crisco, when I manage to drop Dick into the can of vegetable shortening. This is a first for me, but turns out to be just the ice breaker i needed. After introducign myself and letting the group know that I was thereere to answer any health related questions they might have, I had lain out my wares and waited. After about 5 seconds of timid silence I launched into my spiel about the fat content of a king size bag of Cheetos and how much sugar is in a 20 oz bottle of pretty much anythign these days. This always wakes them up. They start asking questions now and I seem to have their attention. I manage to turn their stomachs when I show them just how many tsp of fat they're ingesting in that nice big bag of Cheetos by spooning out tsp after tsp of the clotted grease onto a plate. They're horrified to see 7 glistenign globs of whtie vegetable shortening as I harrange them about letting their kids this this stuff more often than once a light year. I ask them to imagein teh slithering substance quitely lning their arteries over the years until one day they wake up iwth an impending stroke or heart attack. They slink back into their chairs. I quickly follow with my 1-2 diet punch and ask them to guess how many spoonfuls of sugar in any of the 20 oz. bottles of Coke, Apple Juice, Hawaiin Punch, Sprite and chocoloate milk I have lined up on the table. They all guess Coke has the most and as i start spooning white table sugar into a clear glass and ask them to tell me when to stop,l they groan. No one gets close to the 12 little ladles I've dumped into the glass and am now waving around. Do you really want to be drinking this much sugar 1,2,3 times a day? Are you letting your kids drink juices thinking they're "healthier" than soda? They all shake their heads soberly.
Okay time to change subjects. So that's when I ask about thier family planning needs, causing a few blushes here and there, especilly amongst the Asian women. No one wants to venture a question so I bring out my pelvic model and begin my demos, waving Dick around pointing at my own orifices with him to demonstrate how easy it is to spill seed and spread disease if he's not wearing his raincoast. They love this and laugh heartily. Anal, oral, vaginal, doesn't matter I remind them, you must protect yourself. Some of their eyes widen as I mention these acts but they're riveted as I probe the pelvis with Dick, show them how to insert diaphgragms, rings, etc. And then of course, once I drop him into the can of crisco I mention that lubrication is always helpful but that they might prefer K-Y to the high cholestoral kind. I've got them now and the discussion begins. Questions fly, we laugh, comiserate with the general plight of women, understood piggishness of men and relax into the morning.
All because of my slippery side-kick, Dick. Thanks, bud, couldn't have done it without you.
The ladies always laugh when I can't get the condom off of Dick. No matter how hard I stretch and pull, it always looks like I"m trying to yanka rain boot off a recalcitrant toddler. It really looks silly as I tug the rubber to beyond believable lengths, Dick holding on for dear life. But I'm a professional so we know I'll eventually get the dang thing off with a twang. And I do. Fortunately Dick is only my plastic dildo that I use to demonstrate correct condom use,k not the detumescing penis of a compliant boyfriend. No, Dick is my trusty, flesh colored 7 inch anotomically correct, male member, complete with viewing stand and a non threatening look. I bring him out about half way through my health talks, when I sense my audience slumping in their seats, tired of hearing about the perils of high cholesterol, low fiber intake and paltry levels of physical activity. As part of an otherwise standard talk about nutrition, chronic disease, health and disease prevention, I must sneak in a few minutes on family planning and sexually transmitted diseases to satisfy federal grant requirements to education the community about contraceptive choices and reproductiv health. I love my job; where else but as a Health Educator for a non-profit, private family practice clinic can I hand out carrots and condoms with a clear conscience and a smile?
Today, I'm visiting a battered women's shelter with my demo box of nasty junk foods and sugar drinks, the plastic case of contraceptives and a baggie of sugar and can of crisco, when I manage to drop Dick into the can of vegetable shortening. This is a first for me, but turns out to be just the ice breaker i needed. After introducign myself and letting the group know that I was thereere to answer any health related questions they might have, I had lain out my wares and waited. After about 5 seconds of timid silence I launched into my spiel about the fat content of a king size bag of Cheetos and how much sugar is in a 20 oz bottle of pretty much anythign these days. This always wakes them up. They start asking questions now and I seem to have their attention. I manage to turn their stomachs when I show them just how many tsp of fat they're ingesting in that nice big bag of Cheetos by spooning out tsp after tsp of the clotted grease onto a plate. They're horrified to see 7 glistenign globs of whtie vegetable shortening as I harrange them about letting their kids this this stuff more often than once a light year. I ask them to imagein teh slithering substance quitely lning their arteries over the years until one day they wake up iwth an impending stroke or heart attack. They slink back into their chairs. I quickly follow with my 1-2 diet punch and ask them to guess how many spoonfuls of sugar in any of the 20 oz. bottles of Coke, Apple Juice, Hawaiin Punch, Sprite and chocoloate milk I have lined up on the table. They all guess Coke has the most and as i start spooning white table sugar into a clear glass and ask them to tell me when to stop,l they groan. No one gets close to the 12 little ladles I've dumped into the glass and am now waving around. Do you really want to be drinking this much sugar 1,2,3 times a day? Are you letting your kids drink juices thinking they're "healthier" than soda? They all shake their heads soberly.
Okay time to change subjects. So that's when I ask about thier family planning needs, causing a few blushes here and there, especilly amongst the Asian women. No one wants to venture a question so I bring out my pelvic model and begin my demos, waving Dick around pointing at my own orifices with him to demonstrate how easy it is to spill seed and spread disease if he's not wearing his raincoast. They love this and laugh heartily. Anal, oral, vaginal, doesn't matter I remind them, you must protect yourself. Some of their eyes widen as I mention these acts but they're riveted as I probe the pelvis with Dick, show them how to insert diaphgragms, rings, etc. And then of course, once I drop him into the can of crisco I mention that lubrication is always helpful but that they might prefer K-Y to the high cholestoral kind. I've got them now and the discussion begins. Questions fly, we laugh, comiserate with the general plight of women, understood piggishness of men and relax into the morning.
All because of my slippery side-kick, Dick. Thanks, bud, couldn't have done it without you.
posted by Barbery at 10:54 PM
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