Swapping

9.17.06

In attempting to use my new found techonology to speak with my good friend in Tanzania, I was unable to connect and opted instead to invite a man at the Y to tell me his story about getting his stomach stapled. Turns out we had met about this time last year in a park with our kids and remembered each other. I mentioned that I was starting a new job and the conversation began. His experience was that the surgery was a breeze, but he ended up substituting drugs and alcohol for food, regained all but 30 pounds of his original weight loss. He's now in AA and wishes he had known about Overeaters Anonymous, because he realizes he just swapped one addiction for another.

I am prepared for "failure" in this job ahead. I know that about only about 1/5 of the patients who attend my class will achieve the desired loss of 10% of their body weight before their surgery and that 35% will probably gain their weight back over time. So I remind myself of why I am doing what I do and realize that what I hope to get out of this work experience (aside from health benefits etc.) are the skills to teach, to lead groups in gaining skills to help themselves. If I have a beneficial effect on anyone, all the better, but I don't believe taking classes in new life skills without the psychological help so many need, will have much difference in the long run. The process of "teaching" will be valuable in and of itself, that group experience as people get to know each other, learn to trust others and themselves to be real if they so choose. This is what I hope to facilitate.

I am dancing again. Playing cello again. Dusting off my passions instead of reading Depth Psychology. I have "swapped" my PC for MAC and it feels symbolic of using new machines for old ends. I look at my new phone and know that all it's high tech gadjets won't get me through the Tanzanian cloud cover or rusty copper wires. I was hoping my ability to I-chat would afford me the opportunity to re-kindle a relationship with my sister, but she is too wounded to join me in the ethernet. I was going to pick up another degree in the hopes of better connecting to the collective unconscious, but realize I have my own collective at home to attend to in person. I swap contact lenses for glasses, "all the better to see you my dear", fishnets for pantyhose, cigarettes for chocolate, one side of the counselor's couch for another. And yet, I remain the same inside, no matter which side of the bed I roll out of.

The question for these patients, and for myself, is who will you find underneath the 200 extra pounds of avoirdupois? Who are you without the cigarettes and wine (hmm, a question for my mother)? Who are you when you proffer your naked body to a loved one with all the lights on? Who are you when you sit back and clear your ears and truly listen to a friend for the first time? Who are they?

This will be an interesting journey. The man with a new stomach had to almost die before he could attend to what he said he finally discovered was his issue: fear. We didn't get the chance to discuss what that meant for him, but it caught my attention. Ironically, Hanah quoted some author shortly thereafter about there being nothing to fear but fear itself.

Fear of abandonment. Fear of failure. Fear of success. Fear of banality, of our limitations, of death. So many things to create trembling in our souls. And so many "vices' with which to soothe the quaking. How do we trust our innate strengths and wisdom enough to know we can thrive, we can survive, we can remain alive in every moment with our own imperfect minds, bodies and souls? How could I possibly help people find that within themselves, when it's so hard to do myself?

When all else fails, act. Just do it. Creating a smile has been shown to increase oxytocin levels. So does a kiss, a hug, a caress. Try on a new behaviour and practise it long enough and it becomes your own. Like doing scales, practising your redobles, remembering to ask about your spouse's day. Like a child learning to walk, we can learn to swap old destructive habits for new constructive ones. We can staple stomaches, but unless we find something else to fill up that hole, we will only stretch it again, opening up the chasm that food will never fill. I wonder if Kaiser would allow hug training? Reaching for one instead of a hamburger, might, in time prove cheaper and more effective.